One September evening, during my sophomore year, I received a late-night call from” with ““Do you know where I can find a pen and paper?” the late-night request came in my sophomore year from my older brother. Jordan was at our mom’s house, and I was at our dad’s. My sleepy brain couldn’t make sense of the reason but my automatic response told him he could find some in my black Jansport backpack, neglected in the corner of my room. In the morning,I received a call from my father – he had already left. It was hard to understand at first; his voice was shaky and quivering. "Your brother did something really bad that I don't think he can come back from," he said. I initially thought "Oh boy, he drove into a fence again." He had a history of car accidents, so I wasn’t shocked. Then another voice came on the phone. Mom? They were together? The familiar voice was distraught, frenzied, and borderline incoherent. "They just took out your brother's body." A wave of numbness slammed into me. Three peas in a pod, my brother, sister, and I. Jordan, the eldest pea, had been juggling depression for years. Yet, he would sit beside me until I fell asleep to ensure that I was okay. A gentle soul who loved video games, at 22, he was insistent on stuffing a bear with me at Build-a-Bear. At the funeral, the surreal experience continued.. It was my turn to approach the podium, but when I started, I was stung by some invisible s hornet. Was it grief? Was it stage fright? Was it anger? My throat swelled up. I couldn't speak, and worse, I couldn't move. Staring at everyone staring at me, I recognized no comforting presence. The only memories I managed to recall were my brother flexing in my bedroom mirror. As I stumbled back to my seat, embarrassment was the only emotion I was able to feel. The sheriffs didn't release the letters he wrote with my pen and paper until a week later. It’s interesting what someone chooses as their last words. “I always wanted you to be better than I could have ever been; Jae, I know you will be great; love you till the end and back." ." His words pushed me into the realization that I needed to take charge of my life and make something meaningful out of it….