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What I’m about to share with you is not just my opinion, but is backed up by research and data. The happiest couples make the most generous assumption about their partners behavior. This looks like… Your partner not taking out the trash before they go to work. Instead of assuming that they don’t care about you. That they had every intention to take out the trash, but they might be feeling overwhelmed that day with what’s ahead of them at work. It might also look like… You showing up late to a planned date night and your partner assumes that you have a valid reason for being late. Maybe you got pulled over. Maybe there was an accident. or maybe you were stopping to buy them a special little gift! Whether you assume positive intent, and give benefit of the doubt, or you assume negative intent, you will always assume something. That’s what we do as people. We fill in the gaps of what we do not know and make up stories in our heads about what’s happening. When you pick the more positive assumption, you show up for your partner anymore emotionally regulated and controlled way. Sure, you may be disappointed by reality on occasion. However even in this case, you will be able to navigate the negative information with a higher level of emotional regulation, because you come into the conversation emotionally regulated. You’re not feeling fearful or angry from the get go. On the other hand, if you make a negative assumption, and the reality turns out to be more positive in nature, you’ll have to climb your way out of the emotional hole of anger, fear, or sadness you find yourself in before you’re capable of connection once again. If you are looking to reduce emotional reactivity and create a more safe and connected relationship, the Healthy Lover’s course is for you! 🫶🏼 Learn to become a more healthy lover for the person you love the most. 🔗 See the link in my bio for details. #healthyrelationships #communication #relationships #healthylove #couplestherapist

I might be the only therapist who tells you to stop talking about your problems, but most of the time when you talk about “the problem”, you are talking about the story and not the "real problem." There is an important difference between “the story” and the “emotional experience.” The story is… 📕Circumstances (I'm doing the dishes alone every night) 📗What was said (Then I said…) 📘What you and your partner did (You then…) When you talk about the story you end up spending hours trying to convince each other that your version of the story is right and the real problem goes unaddressed. The real problem is in the ✨emotional experience✨ 🧼You say that you're doing the dishes alone, but that's not the problem. The problem is the emotional experience of feeling isolated and lonely in the relationship. 👷🏼‍♂️Your partner gets defensive, saying the problem is that they work hard for this family and nobody appreciates it, but that's not the problem. The problem is in the emotional experience of feeling hurt and unimportant. 😤You criticize you them, saying the problem is that they never listen to you, but that is not the problem. The problem is in the emotional experience of feeling the pain of not being heard by the person you love the most. When you talk about "the problem" (aka the story) you miss the real problem and unknowingly create new “problems.” ie: You get defensive about your version of the story, or maybe you get critical and judgmental of your partner trying to point out that they are the problem. The real problem or the emotional experience becomes more negative, more hurtful, and less safe. The key to creating safety in a relationship is in: 💖Learning how to shift away from the story 💖Address the emotional experience with empathy 💖And seek to create new safe and positive emotional experiences. I don't expect you to learn how to do that on your own. 💻 The Healthy Lover’s course is on sale right now for a limited time. Learn to become a more healthy lover for the person you love the most. See the link in my bio for details. 🔗 #couplestherapy #couplestherapist #communication #relationships #conflictresolution

If you want to break the patterns of conflict and disconnection in your relationship then you need to come to the FREE workshop I am hosting TONIGHT! In the “Connected, Safe, and Secure Workshop” I will be teaching you how to recognize and break the negative cycle of conflict and disconnection based on real research and proven methods. You can sign up through the link in my bio! #healthyrelationships #connection #securerelationships #secureattachment #couplestherapist #couplestherapy

I have good news for you if you and your partner fight more than you’d like. All this fighting does not mean that you aren’t right for each other. As a couple’s therapist, I can tell you that most of the time the issue is simply that there’s a part of you, the inner child, that’s triggering a part of them, their inner child. Let me explain and help you fix it. Maybe there is a part of you that is afraid of being abandoned because you grew up with a mother who was emotionally distant. Maybe your partner has a part of them that is afraid of rejection from growing up with a highly critical father. Your bodies grew up and became adults, but that part of you that is fearful of abandonment or rejection and longs for love still lives within you! That part is your inner-child! That fear you feel when your partner goes quiet or when you feel like you did something wrong is just your inner-child speaking up! Let’s say you are sharing how frustrated you are with your partner for something they forgot to do that was important to you and they start to shut down. Your partner is shutting down because their inner child is trying to protect them from rejection. “We are being rejected. Run!” - Inner Child Your inner child is already feeling abandoned because your partner forgot to do that thing that is important to you, and now the fear of abandonment goes through the roof as your partner shuts down! Your inner child, similar to your partner’s tries to protect you from being abandoned at all costs. Their strategy is not to shut down but to do the opposite. Your inner child tries to protect you by pointing out the problem through criticism “I can’t even talk to you! You just shut down!” This only triggers your partner’s inner child's fear of rejection causing them to withdraw more, and it just keeps going! On the surface, it looks like two adults who can't get along. In reality, it's two terrified children trying to protect themselves from being hurt. If you want to know how to stop this pattern in its tracks, join me in the FREE workshop I am hosting this month called Connected, Safe and Secure. See the link in my bio to sign up. Spots are limited! #connection #healthyrelationship